I’m sorry it has been so long since I have updated Kristian’s blog. We (my boys and I) had a huge year last year, and to be honest, when I look back on it I’m not entirely sure how I survived with any sanity intact. But, we are all still alive and moving forward… sort of!
Cody had a fabulous first year at school. His teacher was beautiful and was so loving and gracious towards him, and he thrived under her. He is such a star and I am so proud of him.
Jakob is a hilarious little character and it was so much fun watching him grow and change under the love and care of his amazing kindy teachers.
Me, well, I kind of feel like I made it to the end of the year by the skin of my teeth. Teaching full time and raising my two boys kept me so busy that I don’t know if I really took enough time to grieve. I’ve been reading through comments on this blog tonight with tears streaming down my face so I guess I’m still in the process and probably will be to some degree, forever. I was surrounded by exceptional friends, work colleagues, church folks and an enormous amount of prayer and somehow we made it through.
On the 15th of December, the boys and I left Australia permanently and returned to New Zealand, my country of origin and where my family are. Kristian wanted us to move here and had he survived we probably would have ended up here all together. I believe this is also where God has wanted us, and through the whole process of packing up and moving (which is an incredibly stressful thing to do without a spouse) I never once felt any anxiety about relocating. And, we’ve been in New Zealand now for almost exactly six months and we are very happy. We now live on a semi-rural property with a couple of acres of wide open space and bush to play in, and my parents are converting the garage into a cottage and will be moving in soon to help support me, which is so exciting.
The anniversary on the 2nd of January was not a day I was looking forward to. Before Kristian died I suggested to him that perhaps I could take the boys back to the US for Christmas as we knew that the anniversary would fall sometime around that time, and he thought it was a great idea. We took my parents and spent three weeks in America with an amazing time in Disneyland to begin with, then a lovely two weeks with a white Christmas thrown in, staying with incredible friends in Minnesota.
On Kristian’s birthday this year the boys wanted again to put up our Christmas tree. It was beautiful watching them decorate it, and it warmed my heart that they wanted to carry on the tradition that was their own idea. We talk about Kristian as often as we can and have put photos of him all over our new house. I feel further from him in this house though, because he has never been here with me and we have no memories together in this place. But I know that he would be thrilled with this property, with it’s stream and bush and surrounding farm animals. It’s a little boys wonderland, the sort of place we would have loved to raised our children together in. And that makes me happy.
I’m not currently working which feels very strange. I’m not used to having time on my hands and I feel guilty about it, but at the same time the thought of having to live at the pace of life like I did last year makes me feel slightly nauseated. I know God wants me to be “still” and to get reacquainted with Him. He is supplying all our needs, and I am constantly being blown away by how generous He is and how He is taking care, and has taken care of EVERYTHING. God is so good. He is worthy to be praised! We miss Kristian everyday, but in the midst of it all the boys and I know that God has not abandoned us, and that Daddy is OK. Better than Ok, actually!
Thanks for stopping by.