Holding pattern

I’m agitated and cranky and I don’t know why.

I hate it. I mean, I really hate it.

I’m so tired most of the time that I can only do things in short bursts. Any sudden loud noises echo through my brain like a firecracker in a bathroom. I’m finding it very difficult to order my thoughts at all…. it’s like trying to catch a fly buzzing around the room. I’m short tempered with the boys, which is killing me because I love them so much and on top of that I feel as though Rachel has to do everything and it’s not fair on her. Our household only works because of her but now she has to deal with my mood swings as well on top of everything else.

Does she complain? Of course not. She is not your average, run-of-the-mill woman.

She’s the best one of the best ones.

I can’t work anywhere near the level I was before so my earning capacity is way down. I’m being up front with people who call me for work and telling them that I am in the middle of chemotherapy for cancer. On my “off” week I’m fine and can work no problem but my “on” week is a complete write off. If they’d like to book me for my off week I promise I won’t drop dead on them.

They don’t call back.

It’s my job to provide for my family and I feel like I’m not pulling my weight. I feel like a big fat lump of lard sitting lazily on the couch or flat on my back in bed, too tired to do anything.

My Oncology nurse keeps telling me to listen to my body. If you feel tired then sleep. It’s the body’s way of telling you it needs to rest, to regenerate. You’re being pumped full of toxic drugs. It’s ok to rest. And I know she’s right…. but in the 17 years since I graduated high school and started working this is the longest break from work I have ever had. It’s going on 6 weeks now and I’m really struggling with the need to contribute and the need to get better. I loathe waste. Wasted time, wasted energy, wasted resources. I know that my getting better is not a waste. Far from it. But I’ve got plans, things I want to do. Things I need to do… and sitting around on my arse all day just really rubs me the wrong way.

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~ by Kristian Anderson on November 15, 2009.

One Response to “Holding pattern”

  1. As a doctor and fellow task-orientated type A personality, I hear you. As the wife of a 28 year old Kiwi guy who is walking an eerily similar path to yours, I feel your pain, and that of your beautiful wife. We’re a year down the track and my husband is about to start chemo again. Round 2 of the nausea and lack of appetite and lethargy and BOREDOM, the painful kind of boredom you never knew existed until chemo halted your life. But you know what? I’m happy to be doing it all again, in the hope that we get even a little bit longer together, in the hope that there are some brighter days amongst the cloudy ones, trusting in a God who says “I will never leave you or forsake you” and I believe that because it has been true in our lives.
    I work in a paediatric hospital and I see children dying of cancer most days. Cancer is callous and undiscriminating and terribly unfair. But in your writing, and even in the title and byline to your blog, there is a guy whose years of achieving have taught him to look for the light. Plans may be set aside for the time being and that is really hard. But if you have an ounce of energy to give your children a cuddle or let your wife know you love her or share something of your experience with the world, then that day is not wasted.
    Bless you in your journey. Kia kaha.

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