Light up the night

I’m struggling tonight.

The nausea is hanging around longer than usual.

Longer than usual.

Like any of this is “usual”.

The smell of the drugs is seeping out of my pores… making me want to puke, and to be really honest, I’m feeling quite emotional.

Part of my way of dealing with this disease is to not give it any more credit than it deserves. I don’t dwell on it any more than I need to. I treat this cancer as an adversary. There is not a shred of diplomacy here… it’s all out war and any weapon is acceptable.

If you have an eye for detail and grammar, you may or may not have noticed that when I use the word ‘cancer’ I don’t capitalise it, even though it’s a noun and it would be grammatically correct to do so.

I don’t give it any respect. It deserves none.

A small thing I know, but small things make my life beautiful these days.

Maybe I’m emotional because I’m tired. The tired I only discovered existed after I started receiving my infusions. The kind of tired that is not satiated by sleep or rest. The kind of tired that just knocks you on your back and pins you down until it is good and ready to go home.

Maybe.

Maybe I’m emotional because I got some more blood results back on Thursday. They showed my blood stream markers had dropped another 1,100 points… from 2,777 to 1,666… and that my bowel markers had dropped another 10 points to 52.5…. just 15 points off “normal”. It’s certainly a good reason to get emotional. I cried when the nurse brought them to me. I was amazed and so, so thankful. Maybe that’s the reason?

Maybe.

Tonight, in New Zealand, after ten years my brother-in-law’s band is playing their last ever show. Right about now they will be walking out onto an Auckland stage to play in front of a sold out crowd. I was really hoping to get there and had it been possible to schedule it for my ‘off’ week I would have been there for sure. But he and his wife are leaving for the UK in 2 more days and they’ll be gone for a year or so….. so it wasn’t possible.

But I’m listening to their music anyway, as I do, and one of the songs is really getting to me. It’s like it was written for me. Like they looked forward in time and saw my illness and then wrote down all the things that would go through my mind once I found I could not continue to live the life I had been living. The life I had before cancer showed up.

This life of mine was once defined
By the kind of things I’d leave behind
I once was lost, now I’m found
My rescue came and brought me safe and sound

Oh Eastern sun you come undone
Over Western skies right before my eyes

All my days I’ve been finding ways
Of searching for a better way
Come what may, all my days
I’m searching for a better way back home

Please slow this ride, it moves too fast
I’ve lost control in the past.
These days slip away as evening falls
And if I hold on too tight, I’ll lose it all

Oh Eastern sun you come undone
Over Western skies right before my eyes

All my days I’ve been finding ways
Of searching for a better way
Come what may, all my days
I’m searching for a better way back home

Let the past decay, watch it fall away
Far away, there to stay
No more half black, half white.
No more half wrong, half right
Now I’m searching for a better way.

Maybe I’m emotional because I finally, truly understand the incredible price that was paid for my life.

Maybe I’m emotional because I realise that, up until this sickness arrived, I had been living a very inward looking life.

Maybe I’m emotional because I am being given a chance to do better…. to find a better way.

No more half black, half white. No more half wrong, half right.

Heaven is watching….. make it count.

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~ by Kristian Anderson on December 12, 2009.

3 Responses to “Light up the night”

  1. Hi Kris
    I read your emails and cry as I so identify with your incredibly creative writing. It does get tougher as the chemo effect accumulates in your body but hang in there matey you’re nearly there. 🙂 Yay!! I went and brought myself a gold watch when I finished chemo. Think of something you’re going to do to celebrate. Great news about the markers. Loved the song 2. One of my scriptures I read over & over Ps 31 Lord I come to you for protection- rescue me – You are my Rock & Fortress – for the honour of Your Name lead me out of this peril….. rescue me for You are a faithful God…you care about the anguish of my soul. Love to you and Rach xxx

  2. So thrillad to hear such amazing numbers Kristian…..you have come so far..just keep going, one foot in front of the other..one day..one hour at a time…..

  3. What a beautiful post. You’re on the home stretch. God is healing you, on the next test you will find the cancer is gone – breath of life. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light. I really appreciate your ability to express emotion Kristian, really! Obviously everyone has emotions because we’re made in the image of God but not everyone can express… everyone can learn to though. What powerful things emotions are – but even more powerful is the Word of God! Solid, ultimate authority.

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