The ache

The truth is…

If I didn’t have Rachel I would let the cancer take me.

I know where I’m going when I die so if I was alone… why wait?

Cody and Jakob are special… of course. They are an incredibly precious gift and I love them dearly. I look at them and sometimes can’t quite believe they came from me…. that they’re my sons and I am their father…. and I would die for them…. probably kill for them too while we’re being truthful.

But without Rachel they wouldn’t be here.

This treatment is starting to take its toll on me not just physically but mentally and emotionally…. actually, mostly mentally and emotionally. Even though the cancer is dying it is exacting a heavy price on me and my family on its way out.

Some days I’m Jekyll. Some days I’m Hyde.

But mostly I’m Hyde…. and I can’t control it.

I feel like Charlie Gordon in the book ‘Flowers for Algernon’. He knows he’s eventually going to lose his intelligence and clarity and return to his diminished mental state. He starts to see it happening before his very eyes as the effects of his experimental operation wear off and knows there’s nothing he can do about it. Once the transition is complete he feels he doesn’t fit in and moves away. I’m not losing anything permanently but while I’m on the chemo there’s certainly a few marbles that have escaped from the bag. It’s intensely frustrating, feeling it happen, and I often lash out.

I dread going to the hospital for my infusions. If you’ve had any form of chemotherapy you’ll understand. In my case, the 6 days after it are a constant fight not to vomit, not to cough myself raw, not to snap at any sound that exceeds normal everyday sound levels, not to succumb to the side effects that come from being pumped full of poison for 50 hours straight.

Chemotherapy is a generic term for any chemical treatment. In my case, more specifically, it’s called Cytotoxic therapy.

Cyto = Cell. Toxic = Deadly. You do the math.

But…. better dread than dead, right?

God, I am aching for this to be over. My heart hurts with the knowledge of what I am putting Rachel through.

Rachel,

My wife. My lover. My best friend. I’m sorry you have to walk this road with me. I know you never dreamed of this when you looked at me on our wedding day and with all of Heaven watching, pledged me your love.

You’re strength is inspiring and your devotion is compelling. One day, somehow, I will make this up to you.

I would die for you…. I will live for you.

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~ by Kristian Anderson on February 1, 2010.

6 Responses to “The ache”

  1. ‘Weeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning’..hang in there mate… remember the generals and call upon His might, you WILL make it..mum xx

  2. Wishing there was something encouraging to say, but you know what? you life and your pain is making a huge impact on people, and on me. You are inspiring and encouraging and real. Keep up the battle and praying it will be over so so soon and you and Rachel will both have so many more precious and lovely times like that beautiful video. Thanks for sharing it! x

  3. That is one of the loveliest, spirit-filled weddings I have ever seen! Beautiful. I wish my wedding could have been more like that instead of “tradition.” 🙂

  4. I hope that you will be fine , i pray for you

  5. The look in your wife’s eyes as she walked down that aisle on your wedding day speaks so much louder than words. She didn’t sign up just for fun, she didn’t accept and acknowledge her pledge to you just for the good times.
    She agreed to marry you that day because she knew that if you were ever faced with such a challenge as this, that she would never allow anyone but herself to meet the Hyde you talk of. She is an amazing woman, who married an amazing warrior and together, you are facing the life which has been chosen for you to face together and fighting better than any army.
    In peace, I pray for you.

    • Your wedding is so amazingly beautiful! I pray that the memories of this day will carry on. This blog is incredible and I’m hooked! Sad to begin reading it after Kristians passing, but there is such an eternal hope through his whole journey. My prayers will continue for Rach, Cody and Jakob.

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