Days Like These
I’m hanging on by a thread today.
Some days I cope quite well with all of this cancer stuff. Most days, actually. But today is not one of them.
I’ve managed to pick up some sort of stomach bug and spent the better part of last night either sitting on, or with my head inside, the toilet. Both of which were very uncomfortable, especially the vomiting. It’s like my entire stomach implodes involuntarily, like someone sucking all the air out of a paper bag. My body wants something out and it wants it out now. It has served to remind me of exactly how vulnerable I am to even the slightest infections and how they can wreak tremendous havoc on my body.
There is no middle ground in all of this. It’s either all good or all bad and today, emotionally, I’m running on empty. I’m sitting at the table typing this, watching Jakob on the couch with his fingers in his mouth watching his favourite show, Curious George, and I can’t help but cry. Not exactly something a man does, so they say, but I’ve got nothing left today. The floodgates are open. Looking at how precious my boy is only serves to reinforce how desperate this fight really is. If I don’t fight both my boys lose their daddy and Rachel becomes a widow… that thought breaks my heart. And yet to fight is to commit myself to ongoing pain, discomfort, nausea, vomiting, burning fingers (new drug side effect), peeling skin and sores all over my body.
Days like today I have no strength of my own. Though I desperately try to muster it up I am failing miserably.
Days like these I can’t help but reach out to Heaven and beg for mercy.
All I have are His promises….
Hebrews 13:5 (The Message)
“I’ll never let you down, never walk off and leave you.”
God, I need a miracle…. sooner rather than later. Please?
Thanks to Brad (aka Rapture Ruckus) for his kindness and for keeping the fire burning when it’s not popular or hip to do so. Your words bring me great comfort.