Days Like These

I’m hanging on by a thread today.

Some days I cope quite well with all of this cancer stuff. Most days, actually. But today is not one of them.

I’ve managed to pick up some sort of stomach bug and spent the better part of last night either sitting on, or with my head inside, the toilet. Both of which were very uncomfortable, especially the vomiting. It’s like my entire stomach implodes involuntarily, like someone sucking all the air out of a paper bag. My body wants something out and it wants it out now. It has served to remind me of exactly how vulnerable I am to even the slightest infections and how they can wreak tremendous havoc on my body.

There is no middle ground in all of this. It’s either all good or all bad and today, emotionally, I’m running on empty. I’m sitting at the table typing this, watching Jakob on the couch with his fingers in his mouth watching his favourite show, Curious George, and I can’t help but cry. Not exactly something a man does, so they say, but I’ve got nothing left today. The floodgates are open. Looking at how precious my boy is only serves to reinforce how desperate this fight really is. If I don’t fight both my boys lose their daddy and Rachel becomes a widow… that thought breaks my heart. And yet to fight is to commit myself to ongoing pain, discomfort, nausea, vomiting, burning fingers (new drug side effect), peeling skin and sores all over my body.

Days like today I have no strength of my own. Though I desperately try to muster it up I am failing miserably.

Days like these I can’t help but reach out to Heaven and beg for mercy.

God, help.

All I have are His promises….

Hebrews 13:5 (The Message)

“I’ll never let you down, never walk off and leave you.”

God, I need a miracle…. sooner rather than later. Please?

Thanks to Brad (aka Rapture Ruckus) for his kindness and for keeping the fire burning when it’s not popular or hip to do so. Your words bring me great comfort.


~ by Kristian Anderson on April 19, 2010.

10 Responses to “Days Like These”

  1. No one can ever really understand what you are going through mate…but what we can do is continue to love, pray and support you through this. No one knows why these things happen…and it makes us angry that they do. Hold on and keep believing for a miracle. We’re here to support you how ever we can.

  2. We are continuing to pray for you… through the good times and bad times. Keep reaching out, keep asking for help.

    Elizabeth & Luke

  3. I want to remind you of what you wrote a while ago about generals. It’s at times like this Kris that the generals, those closest to you and the foot-soldiers, old friends like me, are holding you up in prayer. It awesome that you are fighting so hard for the sake of your beautiful family but you don’t have to be strong ALL the time. That’s what we’re here for.
    Exodus 17:9-13
    Keren O’Brien (McCarthy)

  4. Underneath you Kris, are the everlasting arms…and all the hands holding up your arms in prayer. Even though you are the one walking through the “valley of the shadow” we continue to hold onto His faithfulness and pray for His strength and protection for you all..and how we cry out for that miracle… mum and dad xx

  5. Hey man, we’re with you in prayer believing for a better day. You are a champion fighter and you will bounce back.

  6. Sounds tough bro. I feel your pain. So often I have days where there is very little left, but there is no option of bailing out. And even if there was one, I wouldn’t take it, the stakes are too high.

    So we are left to do nothing but struggle against an injustice that was never meant to be.

    Somehow though, through all of the pain, through the struggle, there is still a light. I can’t explain it, but it seems when I’ve run out of steam, the light still persists. I guess thats Hope.

    Christ be with you.

    Stay Strong.

  7. Hi Kristian,
    Reading through your words and those in the comments from those who love and pray for you, I saw a mental image of you and your family surrounded by God’s love, and these words came to me from the Breastplate of St Patrick –

    Christ be with me, Christ within me, Christ behind me, Christ before me,
    Christ beside me, Christ to win me, Christ to comfort and restore me,
    Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
    Christ in hearts of all that love me, Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

    May you keep on calling on His strength and leaning into His love as you fight this battle.
    In Prayer
    Andrea Penman (Lisa’s friend in Auckland)

  8. Kristian-Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face. And the things of Earth will grow strangley dim in the LIGHT of His glory and grace! Keep your eyes focused on Him as He cares for you and your family. He will not leave any of you. “Hold on” but don’t forget to “Let Go and Let God”. We are praying for healing and good times ahead. Our love, prayers, and support, Bill & Kari Moers

  9. You’re breaking my heart mate! Keep that chin up buddy.

  10. Tears roll down my face as I read this, several months after you have written it. I will now go up to the hospital for the second time today, and have my second radiation treatment for the day, and I will lie there, keeping perfectly still, knowing that I am doing it so my two little boys keep their mummy, and so my husband does not become a single parent. And I will pray for you. Thank you Kristian.

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