Brick by brick

I went in to hospital today for another blood test. The one they do before I start my tablets to make sure that my white blood cell count is strong enough to deal with the chemo. I had one done 4 days ago too, to make sure I was ok to take the Oxaliplatin infusion. The results came back from that blood test this morning…. my cancer markers have increased again, from 504 to 674.

So far the last four blood tests have gone like this….. 258 -> 340 -> 504 -> 674.

That’s an increase of 161%.

This is what’s known as a ‘trend’. And my cancer markers are trending up…. which means the cancer is active again.

Sigh…. here we go again.

I’m trying to remember what God has promised me about my future but all I can see right now is the number “674” flashing like a don’t walk sign. I am feeling very human…. very vulnerable, very fragile…. and very much mortal. All the work that’s been done so far, all that’s been achieved…. 9 months of hell on my body… is going backwards right now. But that’s why my Doc put me on the Oxaliplatin I guess. He saw it coming.

Apparently it’s a pretty mean cancer drug, A friend who has a similar diagnoses as mine told me it was the single worst chemo drug he’s been on. I guess in that respect I’m being looked after because I’m actually feeling fine physically. A little seedy at times but nothing an anti-nausea pill can’t fix. I have been working since the day after the infusion and apart from feeling really tired, like… really tired…. I seem to be handling it quite well. The neuropathy that comes with it is manageable as long as I take precautions against the cold.

But I can’t help but feel cheated. We worked so hard to get to 258 from 4,323.

500 hours of IV infusions. Days layed up in bed desperately fighting the nausea and other side effects…. and now it feels like it’s slipping away.

I’m sure it will be temporary but the feeling of being robbed is still very strong. I’m getting angry because I feel this is a gross injustice. I don’t get angry at a lot of things but injustice is most definitely my main trigger…. and right now I’m livid. Were cancer a physical being, were it human and right in front of me I would have no hesitation snapping it’s neck… and I’d sleep with a clear conscience afterward, too.

Sorry if this isn’t what you’ve come to expect from me…. I’m really struggling today. But it will lift… even if we have to build it back one CEA marker at a time.

At least I have some new music from Train to lift me up. I’m really looking forward to seeing them in concert next week. Funny how we often expect God to work through “godly” things. Things or people that are ‘holy’ or ‘blessed’. I don’t know about the guys from Train and where they stand with the Big Guy but right now I’m drawing courage from their music…. and that’s fine with me. It’s good medicine.

“Brick by brick, we can build it from the floor
If we hold on to each other, we’ll be better than before.
And brick by brick, we’ll get back to yesterday
When I made your body shiver and when you took my breath away.”

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~ by Kristian Anderson on June 15, 2010.

6 Responses to “Brick by brick”

  1. Injustice. Definitely the word for how I feel too, bro. I wish there was something physical I could do to help. We are looking forward to the good news to come, and praying for strength and determination for you today. x

  2. Hi Kristian,
    I have been receiving your updates from Eliz C since the beginning of your journey – so I don’t know you apart from you being a brother in the faith… but I do want you to know how your blogs have impacted and challenged me.. and brought me to tears… your faith – and the way you express it in writing… is none short of amazing. Easy to hear I know but.. know that your blogs are impacting people who read them, more than you probably realise or even hope. I hold my breath when I receive each one because I know it will cause me to face my own mortality, faith and attitudes. Rachael is a very blessed woman, your children are favoured and God Himself is honoured that you are a faithful son in the thickest of battles.

  3. I believe God can use anything to speak to us, He is not bound by one thing or another! The words sound good to me, and a godly principle at that, “line upon line, precept upon precept”…brick by brick, cancer marker by cancer marker! The figures may be a fact but the truth is God has promised “with long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation!!” This is when we hold on in faith to the promises of Psalm 91:14-16.. Prayer alerts gone out all over the place, love you mate, mum xx

  4. Hi Kris
    I’m sorry I lost contact with you and your family too many years ago. I wish I had some words to say, brother, but everything is just platitudes right now. I can’t begin to imagine the suffering you’re enduring, all I can do is say I care, and that I pray. There is no justice, and no fairness, and no rightness in this, so I pray that you have strength to endure the suffering, and the injustice, and that you will prevail. That in some way, you manage to find the loving hand of God in what is just so wrong. Love you man.

  5. Hey mate,
    Still with you in this albeit from a distance. I feel like I’m saying the same thing each time but the fact is that I believe in the power of prayer and I trust God to remain faithful to His promises to you. Keep fighting my friend.

  6. I just happened upon your blog today after watching your video to Rachael, and I have to tell you that I find your writing to be incredibly inspiring. Having never experienced cancer myself, I find it hard to know exactly what to say and it pains me to not be able to offer you a message of hope that you haven’t already heard a million times before.
    Your dedication to your family, especially to Rachael, warms my heart and I hope that their love alone will help to carry you through these awful and completely unfair times. Your strength will forever be reflected in your beautiful sons. Though I do not look to religion, I will pray for you in my own way and you will for sure be in my thoughts each day.
    I was quite moved by your reference to Train and I will always think of you when I listen to their music. I find that music brings the best escape from reality, and I hope that music will bring you the hope, strength and inspiration that it brings me.
    Keep fighting and know that no matter how much of a stranger I may be, I will always be praying for you and your beautiful family!
    Cheers to many more years of life, strength and better times!

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