Brick by brick
I went in to hospital today for another blood test. The one they do before I start my tablets to make sure that my white blood cell count is strong enough to deal with the chemo. I had one done 4 days ago too, to make sure I was ok to take the Oxaliplatin infusion. The results came back from that blood test this morning…. my cancer markers have increased again, from 504 to 674.
So far the last four blood tests have gone like this….. 258 -> 340 -> 504 -> 674.
That’s an increase of 161%.
This is what’s known as a ‘trend’. And my cancer markers are trending up…. which means the cancer is active again.
Sigh…. here we go again.
I’m trying to remember what God has promised me about my future but all I can see right now is the number “674” flashing like a don’t walk sign. I am feeling very human…. very vulnerable, very fragile…. and very much mortal. All the work that’s been done so far, all that’s been achieved…. 9 months of hell on my body… is going backwards right now. But that’s why my Doc put me on the Oxaliplatin I guess. He saw it coming.
Apparently it’s a pretty mean cancer drug, A friend who has a similar diagnoses as mine told me it was the single worst chemo drug he’s been on. I guess in that respect I’m being looked after because I’m actually feeling fine physically. A little seedy at times but nothing an anti-nausea pill can’t fix. I have been working since the day after the infusion and apart from feeling really tired, like… really tired…. I seem to be handling it quite well. The neuropathy that comes with it is manageable as long as I take precautions against the cold.
But I can’t help but feel cheated. We worked so hard to get to 258 from 4,323.
500 hours of IV infusions. Days layed up in bed desperately fighting the nausea and other side effects…. and now it feels like it’s slipping away.
I’m sure it will be temporary but the feeling of being robbed is still very strong. I’m getting angry because I feel this is a gross injustice. I don’t get angry at a lot of things but injustice is most definitely my main trigger…. and right now I’m livid. Were cancer a physical being, were it human and right in front of me I would have no hesitation snapping it’s neck… and I’d sleep with a clear conscience afterward, too.
Sorry if this isn’t what you’ve come to expect from me…. I’m really struggling today. But it will lift… even if we have to build it back one CEA marker at a time.
At least I have some new music from Train to lift me up. I’m really looking forward to seeing them in concert next week. Funny how we often expect God to work through “godly” things. Things or people that are ‘holy’ or ‘blessed’. I don’t know about the guys from Train and where they stand with the Big Guy but right now I’m drawing courage from their music…. and that’s fine with me. It’s good medicine.
“Brick by brick, we can build it from the floor
If we hold on to each other, we’ll be better than before.
And brick by brick, we’ll get back to yesterday
When I made your body shiver and when you took my breath away.”