Chemotherapy: Round 14.
The house is empty. Rachel and the boys are out at a birthday party for one of Cody’s little friends. It’s both a blessing and a curse.
A blessing because the house is quiet, and I can get some rest and let the nausea and other side effects pass me by.
A curse because I so love Rach and the boys and I love their company.
I love watching the boys as they potter around the house playing with their toys, watching TV, bouncing on the trampoline or playing with Daisy, our kitten. Watching Cody be the ‘boss’ and seeing Jakob watch everything Cody does and so want to be like him. The big brother/little brother dynamic. The older they get the more their personalities emerge and it is truly a beautiful thing to witness.
I have the next week off. Chemotherapy is as good an excuse as any to take it easy for a few days. I’ve been struggling a lot with the pressure in my work life and am looking for ways to minimise it as it is starting to affect me negatively. I’m struggling in quite a few areas mentally these days. Memory, perception of reality, emotional control…. it’s starting to pile up and it’s getting harder to stay on the Jekyll side of things. More and more I see myself leaning to the Hyde side of things and it’s distressing as it feels like I am heading out of control. So, as much as I hate to admit it, I’ve taken some sage advice and am going to see a psychologist over the coming weeks. My mental health is just as important as my physical health so I need to do something about it.
On top of that my body is weak and I’m constantly tired to the point of exhaustion.
So I’m flicking through the TV guide on Fox and looking for something to pass the time when I hear a familiar voice and sound. It’s the singer, Peter Furler, of the Newsboys. I generally avoid the Christian channel on TV as I find it…. less than excellent in many areas… but Peter’s voice makes me stop. The band is playing underneath him and he’s reciting scripture but it’s not in a parrot-fashion style. He believes what he’s saying and that makes his words, the words of God, powerful. They cut through the chemo haze and go straight to my heart…
Isaiah 41:10 (New International Version)
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
11 “All who rage against you
will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
will be as nothing and perish.
12 Though you search for your enemies,
you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you
will be as nothing at all.
13 For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.
And then peace floods the room and the tears fall again… grateful tears. My God has promised to look after me…. to bring help. My God, who defends me, who is far greater in strength than my cancer or any fear that comes because of it. My God, who spoke and whose words caused the universe to be.
His word is true, unfailing. If He promises something, He will deliver.
I’d stake my life on it.