Yesterday I went back in for new CT scans. It’s been 5 months since my last set of scans were done and the surgeon who is looking after me ordered something more current. I don’t know the results of these scans yet but based on the last set of scans it’s not possible to operate on my liver due to the placement of the tumours. Something about ‘bi-lateral metastasis’.
On top of that, my CEA and CA markers have come back from my most recent blood test 50% higher again. My CEA’s have come in around 1,500 and my CA’s have come back at 75. For anyone who understands these numbers you will know that these figures are high and not a good sign. It’s not necessarily an indicator of aggression from the cancer, but it does show tumour activity… multiplication and division. I guess one good sign is that all blood tests show healthy and normal liver function. Surprising to me but welcome… very welcome.
When I finally got home from the hospital I was wasted. Physically… drained, nauseated and sleepy. Emotionally… empty, unsure and afraid.
I want so desperately for this journey to end.
I want my life back.
Cancer has taken so much from us this past year… I want it back. All of it.
If it be your will, if there is a choice
Let the rivers fill, let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill, on this burning heart in hell
If it be your will to make me well
And draw me near and bind me tight
Your child here in his rags of light
In my rags of light all dressed to kill
And end this night…. If it be your will
I wish for a body free of disease.
I wish for the chance to have another child with Rachel.
I wish for the chance to comfort my boys when they get their hearts broken by a girl for the first time.
I wish for the chance to take them to their first U2 concert.
I wish for the chance to see them become men… to tell them how my heart swells with pride when I see what they have become.
I wish for the chance to hold Rachel’s hand… to offer her my arm… to steady her in her old age. To tell her she’s still beautiful when a lifetime of smiles are visible on her face.
I wish I understood why I have cancer.
I wish for many things…. but most of all…. I wish for life.