Learning to Fly
I’m not feeling too good right now.
I’m making my way through round 16 of chemotherapy and so far it’s been pretty awful.
The last few months I have been receiving treatment every 3 weeks. This was for an infusion and then 2 weeks worth of Xeloda tablets. As my CEA and CA markers are still climbing it’s been decided to go off the Xeloda and back to the 5FU infusion… which is good, it’s what I wanted. Only problem is that the Xeloda hasn’t had the extra week it usually has to get itself out of my system and coupled with the heavy dose of 5FU, yesterday and today have been some of the most painful Hand and Foot disease I have ever experienced. My hands and feet burn, I walk like an old man shuffling down the hall. I can’t hold anything in my hands and both my hands and feet are purple in colour. I can’t do anything to ease the burning sensation as I am also receiving the drug Oxaliplatin, which has as it’s main side affect an extreme sensitivity to the cold. As mentioned before, this shows itself as quite painful pins and needles whenever I’m exposed to the cold. So, on one hand my body is burning and on the other I can’t use anything cold to try and relieve it. So I have to ride it out.
On top of all that, my CA-19.9 markers have come back in at 87.9. I started chemotherapy almost a year ago and they were at 88.0. So it feels like I have been through hell for nearly twelve months and now… now I’m right back where I was at the beginning and I have to do it all over again. I’m devastated.
It’s been a pretty rough 48 hours.
Jakob turned 2 the other week, and I was here to see it.
It was so much fun watching his little face light up as he opened each new present. He is just learning to talk so most of his communication comes in the form of sounds that sound like a word but aren’t quite there yet. As much as I want him to start talking so we can communicate better, a part of me wishes he would stay an unintelligible little chatterbox for as long as possible. It’s does my heart good to listen to him chatter away.
Cody and Jakob are two very different people. Cody is very much an alpha male. Wherever we go, Cody usually ends up with a bunch of kids following him, doing whatever he suggests… like the Pied Piper. Jakob, on the other hand, is a comedian in training. He knows when he gets a positive reaction to his antics and repeats them at will as long as the laughter continues… or until he gets bored. I must say, it’s very hard to resist his cheeky little grin.
I love them both so much.
Whenever I come home from work or the hospital both Cody and Jakob run down the hallway to meet me. It’s a moment I look forward to every time I leave the house…. especially when I’m heading up to the hospital for another round of chemotherapy. Over the last few months I have noticed that when Jakob greets me a good portion of his approach is flat out running, but at the very last minute he launches himself into the air and it’s up to me to catch him.
I don’t think it has ever occurred to him that I won’t catch him. He trusts me completely.
And that’s where I’m at right now…. running as best I can and hurling myself into the arms of my heavenly father.
Trusting that he will not let me fall.
Trusting that, despite the rising cancer markers in my body, I am very much on his radar and that what I am going through is known to (and understood by) him.
Trusting that he is a God who heals. A God who is full of mercy and compassion.
A God who is with me as I walk through this seemingly endless valley.