Oncology (and other black arts)
Today has been a pretty bad day.
I went up to the hospital to see my Oncologist for the first time since my bowel surgery and, to be honest, was expecting good news. I mean, the bowel cancer was now gone and the liver cancer had been served an eviction notice by the SIR procedure so in theory it should have been smiles.
Surprise, disappointment, shock….. not what we expected at all.
My CEA markers have jumped from 600-ish to 2890. That’s almost a 500% increase. My CA19.9 has also jumped from 72 back to 112. So, apart from the overwhelming feeling of crushing defeat I was feeling I was also wondering how on earth it happened. I’m asking everyone I know who might know something but nobody can give me an answer. It could be this, or this, or that, we don’t know. But whatever it is it’s definitely a shock to everyone involved.
My biggest concern…. what if it has spread to another part of my body?
So, forward from here? I start a new treatment regime in 2 weeks on a drug called Erbitux. It’s supposed to be an amazing drug. Another in the Biologic realm rather than chemical. It’s main side effect is an acne like rash in all the places one would normally get acne, so I’m probably going to regress 20 years and start looking like some pizza faced teenager over the coming weeks and months. Just wonderful.
Over the past 6 weeks I feel like I have been dropped into a fight circle and no matter which way I turn I am being pumelled from all sides. I turn one direction…. whack….. turn the other direction….. whack. I just don’t seem to be able to get a break from the constant hammering of scalpels, needles, stitches, staples, drugs…. the list goes on… seemingly forever.
And of course the fact that nobody can shed any light on the reasons why my markers have jumped so severely means that once again our lives go into an indefinite holding pattern.
I swear… if cancer was a person right now I would snap it’s neck. I feel so robbed, so cheated. I am trying so hard here. I am doing everything I am told to do…. regardless of what it does to my body and my mind. They say, I do. There’s no question…. and if, for the tiniest of milliseconds, my mind forgets then my heart quickly steps up and fills the gap.
Son of David…. Jesus… have mercy. I don’t know how much more I can take.