Death has been shadowing me the last few weeks.
I see him, not in my mind’s eye… not in a vision… but with my eyes open, standing in my doorway at night. He just stares, silently, and doesn’t move. He looks like you might imagine… a Death Eater from Harry Potter… a Ring Wraith from Lord of the Rings…. or as the typical heavy metal album or biker tattoo might depict him. Or a combination of all of them.
I’m sure you’re hearing the sound of marbles rolling around on the floor…. but I know what I see.
My markers are rising again.
My CA19.9’s are staying put around the 11-12 mark but my CEA’s have risen each blood test for the past 4 weeks.
158 –> 178 –> 184 –> 209… they’re trending upwards again. Of course there could be a whole bunch of reasons why. Maybe the recent bout of shingles has had something to do with it. They’re still hanging around and are still quite painful. Maybe my body just can’t fight them both.
My body…. aches. Every day. It burns. It itches. It hurts.
The one thing that can bring all the burning and itching under control, the dexamphetamine, will likely destroy any sanity I have left if I take it in the doses needed to suppress the skin inflammation caused by the Erbitux. It will also likely destroy my family in the process by turning me into a permanent Mr. Hyde, from David Banner into the not-so-incredible Hulk…. so it’s not an option.
And every night… Death comes to my doorway and stares at me. I know he’s not allowed any closer than the doorway to our room but it still pisses me off that he’s in my house at all.
And I’m growing so weary of fighting….
Fighting my illness.
Fighting the side effects.
Fighting stupid, arrogant Christians who tell me I’m doing “jack-all for the kingdom of God”.
Fighting the government to release Erbitux onto the PBS.
Fighting my own inner demons.
“I’m not gonna write about the way things have been
‘Cause lately they haven’t been so great.
I keep falling down, I keep giving in… I’m scared this is my fate.
If this is all that life would be, if this is all there was for me
I would not go on.
I’m not gonna lie about feeling fine and knowing everything’s okay.
I’ve just got to believe that this hope inside will lead me to a better place.
With every tear that I cry I cling to the hope that will not die
He won’t leave me here.
I will not lay down…. this won’t be my end.”