Dead Man Walking

I’m not being melodramatic. Not being melancholic. It’s just the reality of my situation.

Unless God intervenes…. I will die. There’s a time bomb in my liver and I need to know which wire to cut. The clock is ticking.

Some people have commented on one of my previous comments, “I know what it is to say those words and I am not afraid.” They thought perhaps I meant that I was not afraid to die. That’s not the case. I’ve already made known my fears in regards to this matter. They haven’t changed. I’m human and I’d very much like to continue to be human. But unless things start to change for the better I am facing the very real prospect of death. But that’s not what I meant when I wrote it.

I’m not afraid not because I am comfortable with the thought of dying, not at all. What I meant was that I am not afraid because I know I can trust God with my very life…. because I know that he will deal with me lovingly and with great care.

How do I know this?

Matthew 10:29 (The Message) says:

29-31“What’s the price of a pet canary? Some loose change, right? And God cares what happens to it even more than you do. He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head!”

God cares about a tiny bird. He knows when one falls from the sky. That sounds like a loving nature to me, that he would care for something so small, and then care for me so much more.

And if God is Love (1 john 4:8) then I can deduce that God is kind and protects. (1 Corinthians 13:4)

And so from there I can see that God himself is wanting to protect me and is there, ready to help… and he confirms this again in Isaiah 41:13

“Do not fear; I will help you.”

So while cancer is creeping around inside my body, busting to take me out. With one purpose in mind… to kill me…. I still have the God of Heaven on my side and he promises to help me. Not only that but it says in Psalm 91:11:

“He ordered his angels to guard you wherever you go. 
If you stumble, they’ll catch you; their job is to keep you from falling.”

So I have God and Angel armies looking out for me.

So if I believe this God and say “I follow Christ” then I must believe what he says. And because he is the way, the truth and the life (John 14:6) then his words cannot be false, he cannot lie, because a lie cannot exist inside the truth. And I can be sure he will do what he says because it says in Numbers 23:19:

“God is not man, one given to lies, and not a son of man changing his mind. 
Does he speak and not do what he says? Does he promise and not come through?”

So as I lay here beside my boys in their beds, listening to the sound of their soft breathing…. smelling the sweet scent of their skin and watching their little chests rise and fall with each breath… I empty myself before God.

I now understand the concept of losing my life to find it (Matthew 10:39).

I came from dust and to dust I will return. I’m nothing but dust without the breath of God… so once again I offer up to heaven the only words I know….

God, help.

You said you would…. I’m here…. waiting.


~ by Kristian Anderson on July 21, 2011.

31 Responses to “Dead Man Walking”

  1. I am praying for you, brother.

  2. Thinking of your lovely family and praying for you as best I know how – from Austin, Texas.

  3. Kristian,
    I am weeping as I read your post tonight. Perhaps that’s fitting. The scripture does say that we are to weep with those who weep and to rejoice with those they that rejoice. The problem is, I can’t figure out why I am crying. I think it’s partially because my heart is breaking for you and your family and partially because I am shamed by the level of faith that you maintain.
    But’s also because I am overwhelmed with this simple truth….You are pleasing to the LORD, for the scripture says that without faith, it is impossible to please GOD and your faith, no matter the outcome, must please HIM indeed.
    I have two thought to share with you though:
    The first comes from Genesis 22. God has tested Abraham by requiring him to offer up Isaac as an offering. Without hesitation Abraham obeys the LORD and God in his mercy makes provision for him. The thought along with that passage is this….GOD WILL MAKE A PROVISION FOR YOU. No matter what the situations you face in these next days and weeks. He will also make provision for your family. For HE is a GOD who sees. ( Gen 16:13)
    The second are the lyrics from the song by Matt Redman called “Blessed Be Your Name.” I’m enclosing a link and I will allow it to minister to you in the way the LORD chooses.

    We LOVE you…..We are praying for you…..We are believing with you!

  4. I will pray for you and your family that God will see fit to give you what you so desperately deserve…a chance for a long, prosperous life. You are indeed loved, Kristian.

  5. Powerful and insightful, thank you.

  6. you need a chance Kristian, and if anyone in this world deserves a miracle it is you, you have inspired so many others, and I hope with your amount of faith, our Lord will keep and protect you. Alan Howard, Netherlands

  7. Psalm 30:2

    O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me.

  8. I have tried to write something that might comfort you – but you have the ultimate comforter – The Great Amen. May He continue to cradle you in His arms and may you feel His total peace and comfort as you continue on this adventure. God is there with you at ALL times – in the lying down and the rising up. My prayer is that you rise up and be strong. Kiss those boys and your lovely wife – and continue working through your adventure. Peace be with you.
    The Grandma from North Carolina, with non hodgkins lymphoma

    • Cathy! ‘ the grandma from north Carolina with non hodgkins lymphoma ‘ I have noticed you many times on here! I wish you well too! X

      With much love from the uk

  9. I just wanted to share something with you, and while it is inconsequential compared to what you are currently going through I just wanted to show you that, although in a small way in this instance, God is using you through this.

    Following the birth of my second child just over a year ago, I experienced lower abdominal pain. At first I put it down to afterbirth pains, and then my cycle restarting, but after quite a few months (and no cycle) I realised it was something else. Having read your blog on and off since I first saw your amazing video, I remembered your comment about how you had ignored your first symptoms and how things may have been different if you hadn’t. So I went to the doctor, was referred to the specialist and they found a polyp. It turns out the pain was just something that happens post pregnancy but the polyp was one that can turn cancerous. Whilst my situation wasn’t dire, I am so thankful that the polyp was found and removed rather than sitting there like a time bomb, waiting to go off.

    It is horrible what you are going through, but I know, I KNOW, that God is walking with you and that he has a plan for you. I am praying for you. Thank you for your faith and for sharing it so openly and honestly with all of us. God Bless.

  10. Continueing to keep you and your family in prayer. When I was diagnosed with Parkinsons I prayer and asked God for three things, 1) “please heal me”,2 ) if you do not wish to heal me, may the PD progress slowly, and 3) if neither of these is your will Lord, grant me to accept your will for my life. May you receive the strenght to match the path you have to walk, and continue to put your faith in the Only One who is Faithful and Just and who will send His Comfortor to comfort you. Ineke

  11. Continuing to keep you and your beautiful family in my thoughts, heart and prayers, Kristian. My heart aches for all of you as you fight this beast. May God and his angels continue to keep watch over you, Rachel and your sweet boys during this difficult time.


  12. Keeping you & your family in my thoughts & prayers.

  13. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  14. Anything I would say in response to your real and honest post seems so inadequate. So, instead, I will simply say this: I am praying for you and your precious family, my brother. May the Great Comforter be a constant presence in your home. May He carry you all through these difficult times.

  15. Please, please, please God, I am begging you. Hear my prayer and heal Kristian’s body. Give him years and years of time with the family who needs him so. Please God hear my prayer.

  16. Kristian, I have not ceased praying for you and your family. Your faith through this trial is humbling. Our God is a merciful God and I have been praying HIS mercy for you. The fight is far from over. You are surrounded by prayer every minute of every day from those near to you to halfway around the world from you and beyond. You are not a dead man walking….you are a beloved child of God walking. Much love to you and your family from Alabama.

  17. Blanketing you in prayer, Kristian.

  18. Big hug from me and my 3 boys,

    Wishing for a miracle or some kind of medical breakthrough

    Ev x

  19. Kristian many times I’ve wanted to communicate with you, but am not tech minded…however now is the time.
    I suffer from Osteogenesis Imperfecta, brittle bones. I was born with it 39 yrs ago & have suffered through over 400 broken bones & hundreds of operations. Dispite all this I am known by friends & family as the strongest person they know. I am extremely happily married to my soul parter & endure the frequent set backs with a smile. Only those, like you, know how we manage to do that!
    Kristian I want you to know that I am sending you my strength. All that I have & all that I am. It comes to you & your darling wife. Be strong through what you are going through as I am with you too.
    Love & Strength

  20. Oh Kristian.

    I wish you strength to get through this and also pray for you. I don’t know the right prayers to say but am praying for your recovery.

    God is with you and he is next to you, loving you, supporting you. You are not alone.

  21. I have no words to ease your pain and suffering Kristian 😦 you are in my thoughts most days and I’m praying for you x

    With much love from the uk

  22. Praying for strength and peace that will buoy your spirit and your family through this terribly tough journey.

    Hold tight to your faith and every ounce of light you can find in these times.

    God bless you, Kristian.

  23. I have followed your blog since I went to Australia in December of 2010. I eagerly come to this page with hopes that the news will be good. When it’s not, I pray. I wish my words were able to help more. It only seems fair since your words have done so much to help me in such a short amount of time. Just know I am thinking of you and your family and sending all my positive thoughts to you. Best wishes!

  24. I want so badly for you to watch those little chests rise and fall until they are not little anymore. I want so desperately for yours to do the same, for decades to come.

    Not ready to give up on you Kristian, and I’m glad you’re not ready to either. Miracles. Medical Science. I don’t care how it comes. I just want it to hurry up and come, in time for you and your family.

    I want it more than I could ever tell you.

  25. Kristian, my favourite Bible verses are Is 40: 28-31 and also Is 41:10.
    stay strong, the Lord will guide you whichever way it goes, will continue to pray for your return to full health, many people are praying for you and the family. That’s one of the many wonderful things Christians can do for each other – pray and be there for them. Please post if there is anything tangible we can be doing for you or your family…Our love to you and the family.

  26. I found your blog by accident. However, I quickly read through most of your posts. Your writing about your ordeal hit me pretty hard and I don’t even know you or your family. First, I want you to know that I intend to keep you and your family in my prayers. Second, you should be extremely proud at the way that you are handling an unimaginable situation. Third, you are an amazing writer. Fourth, I was sort of feeling sorry for myself when I initially stumbled upon your page. Not anything serious, just general…Where I am going? What I am doing with my life blues? Your blog for me was a harsh wake up call to reality. It really emphasizes the importance of living each day to the fullest and being grateful. I think this is a lesson many of us tend to forget in the day to day grind.


  27. May you Rest in Peace Kristian. Luv Joyx

  28. Rest in peace Kristian

  29. Everything is very open with a precise explanation of the
    challenges. It was really informative. Your site is extremely helpful.
    Thanks for sharing!

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