Dead Man Walking
I’m not being melodramatic. Not being melancholic. It’s just the reality of my situation.
Unless God intervenes…. I will die. There’s a time bomb in my liver and I need to know which wire to cut. The clock is ticking.
Some people have commented on one of my previous comments, “I know what it is to say those words and I am not afraid.” They thought perhaps I meant that I was not afraid to die. That’s not the case. I’ve already made known my fears in regards to this matter. They haven’t changed. I’m human and I’d very much like to continue to be human. But unless things start to change for the better I am facing the very real prospect of death. But that’s not what I meant when I wrote it.
I’m not afraid not because I am comfortable with the thought of dying, not at all. What I meant was that I am not afraid because I know I can trust God with my very life…. because I know that he will deal with me lovingly and with great care.
How do I know this?
Matthew 10:29 (The Message) says:
29-31“What’s the price of a pet canary? Some loose change, right? And God cares what happens to it even more than you do. He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head!”
God cares about a tiny bird. He knows when one falls from the sky. That sounds like a loving nature to me, that he would care for something so small, and then care for me so much more.
And if God is Love (1 john 4:8) then I can deduce that God is kind and protects. (1 Corinthians 13:4)
And so from there I can see that God himself is wanting to protect me and is there, ready to help… and he confirms this again in Isaiah 41:13
“Do not fear; I will help you.”
So while cancer is creeping around inside my body, busting to take me out. With one purpose in mind… to kill me…. I still have the God of Heaven on my side and he promises to help me. Not only that but it says in Psalm 91:11:
“He ordered his angels to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they’ll catch you; their job is to keep you from falling.”
So I have God and Angel armies looking out for me.
So if I believe this God and say “I follow Christ” then I must believe what he says. And because he is the way, the truth and the life (John 14:6) then his words cannot be false, he cannot lie, because a lie cannot exist inside the truth. And I can be sure he will do what he says because it says in Numbers 23:19:
“God is not man, one given to lies, and not a son of man changing his mind.
Does he speak and not do what he says? Does he promise and not come through?”
So as I lay here beside my boys in their beds, listening to the sound of their soft breathing…. smelling the sweet scent of their skin and watching their little chests rise and fall with each breath… I empty myself before God.
I now understand the concept of losing my life to find it (Matthew 10:39).
I came from dust and to dust I will return. I’m nothing but dust without the breath of God… so once again I offer up to heaven the only words I know….
You said you would…. I’m here…. waiting.