At the foot of Heaven

“There are Angels around my bed tonight.

Some are there for comfort, some are there to fight.”

When I was younger I was fortunate enough to work on a lot of concerts. Rock shows, theatre, church gigs and stinky, smokey pubs. It’s where I learned my craft. One show in particular was with a band named DC Talk at the now derelict Perth Entertainment Centre. The quote above is from Kevin Smith, one of the singers from the band.

I just got the call from the hospital and the test implant or “workup procedure” is confirmed for tomorrow. From 7:30am to around about 5pm Sydney time I will be under live X-Ray, CT Scanners and Gamma Cameras as they track blood flow and a dummy “tracer” particle, to see where it all goes and if my body’s blood vessels are still wired the right way to withstand the SIRT.

As much as I need this treatment, it requires a strength that I personally do not possess on my own. I’m pretty fragile right now, emotionally speaking.

I know what’s coming tomorrow and as much as I have said I will do anything to continue this fight, the thought of what lies ahead is daunting. I know the discomfort that’s coming. I know that for three hours afterwards I am going to have to lay perfectly still in recovery so the puncture in my Hepatic artery can heal. I know that about an hour before I am discharged Rachel and the kids will begin their journey to the hospital in peak hour traffic to come and pick me up. I know that when I see them it’s going to be a struggle to maintain my composure and not burst into tears. Tears of relief, tears of weariness. I know that Cody will probably remember last time he was there with me and that I bought him and Jakob a “special chocolate cake” from the cafe.

I hope I have the presence of mind to remember to get him another one.

I’m afraid. I am.

What if my “wiring” has changed? What if the answer is “no, it’s not safe”? The people administering this procedure have done it over 450 times before. They know what they’re talking about.

What if?

What if?

What if?

God, I know I said “be it unto me according to your will”…. and I stand by that. I’m going to be walking those corridors again tomorrow and I’m scared. All I’m asking is that you meet me there, the same way you did nearly a year ago.

In you there is no darkness, because you are light.

Scatter the darkness, God.

Bring light.

Bring life.

I’m aching for it.

Advertisements

~ by Kristian Anderson on September 21, 2011.

38 Responses to “At the foot of Heaven”

  1. Praying for you, with you, Kristian. I am in awe of your courage. Anne from Tacoma WA (USA)

  2. We will be sending up prayers for you tomorrow. If you are able to post an update sometime after your tests tomorrow, please do so. It will ensure I am reminded to keep pray, pray, praying for your health, strength, courage and for your family too.

  3. Hang in there, my friend.
    He will surely bring you through all these, be there to hold your hand, and the hands of those doing the procedures, as He wills it for.

    To your family, wife and kids, hang in there, he is a faithful God.

    Lots of love from
    Jennifer Nair & Family
    Kuala lumpur, Malaysia.

  4. I will be working tomorrow in my local hospital and dealing with many people who are fighting their own battles but I will think of you and hope that you are facing yours with courage and hope. You make me want to be a better nurse by showing us the person behind the diagnosis.

  5. May the light of all our thoughts and prayers and hope and faith illuminate the darkness that is the illness. Let the light shine through the cracks and pour in healing and blessings.
    Thinking and praying for you all the way in Africa.
    God bless.
    Sonia x

  6. still here with you mate, thinking of you all and praying as ever 🙂

  7. You can do it Kristian. I know He will be guiding you through. I know you have the strength. You have God with you. 🙂 Whatever happens, God is always there to comfort and protect you. Keep the faith. 🙂

    I am Ires Mae from Philippines and my prayers are with you always.. God bless….

  8. The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8

  9. He gives strength to the weary,
    And to him who lacks might He increases power.
    Though youths grow weary and tired,
    And vigorous young men stumble badly,
    Yet those who wait for the LORD
    Will gain new strength;
    They will mount up with wings like eagles,
    They will run and not get tired,
    They will walk and not become weary.
    Isaiah 40:39-31

    I am praying today, that God will fulfill his promise and do these two things, Show you his presence and give you strength. I do however want to remind you, that you are NOT alone. There are people around the world who are contending against the evil one with you!

    Please tell your lovely wife, that she is being lifted before the throne of grace as well.

  10. PRAYING – May our Lord and Saviour watch over you tomorrow, guide the hands of the staff working on you, for the Lord to take your fear away, for your family during this tough time.
    Does your church, family or friends have a prayer chain going for you Kristian to cover the entire time you are in there?

  11. >> As much as I need this treatment, it requires a strength that I personally do not possess on my own. I’m pretty fragile right now, emotionally speaking. >>

    Please know that you are not alone. You can do this treatment, you can get through this treatment tomorrow and we are all praying for you.

    Never ever abandone hope. It can work miracles.

    *Hugs* to you and your family.

  12. I can’t even imagine the amount of strength you have needed to fight this horrible enemy. I would imagine that most of that strength is derived from the faces of your adorable children. If prayers are truly answered, the sheer number of people around the world including you in theirs will bring you through this fight.

  13. Praying for you ~ today especially. Angels are all around~

  14. Many, many prayers with you and your family. May God hear all of our prayers and give you comfort.

  15. I am reminded of one of my favorite myth, Pandora and her box. I can only imagine that if the Greek’s were familiar with cancer it would have been included in her box. However, the one thing that was left after all of the evils leaked out…..HOPE.

    You can do this today, Kristian. Thousands of people are rallying behind you. There is no room for “What ifs”. They will only bring possible doubt. One step at a time. You can and will make it through this today.

    Sending prayers,

    Meghan

  16. It hurts to read this because I have no idea how hard this must be for you. And I know you seek not words of encouragement right now. Fact is, they won’t help much I guess. But you got through this before, you will again. You are a very strong man and I admire you so much for your courage and your painful honesty. Please know that I’ll be thinking of you. I know it’s not much, but it’s the best I can do right now. Stay strong and if you have to, when you get home, cry those tears…. You are entitled to them. Thanks for fighting this fight, Kristian. You are an inspiration to us all. And no matter what happens, you will not be alone tomorrow. Even though it might feel like it.

  17. Kristian, you’ve been on my heart lately so extra prayers have been coming your way already. And I will say more now that I know what you’re up against. You *CAN* do this. You’ve got an army of prayer warriors holding you up, so try to imagine all of us in there with you. We will be on our best behavior, too, not being loud or distracting. 😉 –Leslie

  18. Sending lots of prayers your way.

    Wake up every morning with a positive healthy attitude.
    Walk in that hospital with a positive attitude. Keep that attitude.
    YOU ARE HEALTHY YOU ARE STRONG.
    EVERYDAY YOU ARE GETTING BETTER AND BETTER.
    Your wiring has not changed, it is safe.
    YOU WILL BEAT THIS

  19. God bless you. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and praying for you.

  20. You are not alone, but surrounded by angels to comfort and fight (what a powerful quote…). It is 4 a.m. where you are, 2 p.m. where I am. I will spend the afternoon in your corner wishing I could do more.

  21. It is never too late, fight on, you will have the strength, it is in you!!!!
    Bravery is you!
    I’m sending you Prayers and thoughts for tomorrow and always!
    Jody

  22. Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

    Lorraine, Ireland

  23. Its 10am in Wellington which means you are at the hospital having already started your day. Thinking of you and sending across all my strength and hope. You dont need it though mate – you can and will succeed.
    DEB

  24. thoughts and prayers of love to you … god will guide the way through all of the darkness and lead you back to where you belong… Be strong…
    Sheldon of Canada

  25. I pray for you, for strength and continued courage. Jilyn from Chicago, IL

  26. kristian,

    hope it comforts you in some small way for you to know how fervently, constantly and abundantly you and your beautiful family are being lifted up in prayer….more so now than ever! continue to fight the good fight as God strengthens and fortifies you and guides the minds, hearts and hands of your doctors. we all wait with baited breath, for your next update. meanwhile, be well, be brave and know that you occupy every thought!

    always,
    peggy, usa

  27. May you unquestionably feel God’s presence and love with you. He wants more for us than we want for ourselves. He loves you as a parent loves a child- may you be comforted, strengthened and encouraged by Him as you do your own boys. We are all warriors with you, fighting and praying.

  28. Take on day at a time, one step at a time, one minute at a time. Hang on and stay strong, you can do this……..

  29. Reading this I realized that that right now you have already been at it for about 7 hours. Almost done. Almost time to find out the game plan. Almost time for the “special chocolate cake”. At this very moment half way across the world, prayers are going up for you. I can not wait for the day that this becomes a blog about what the boys are doing…about holidays…about updates on the new and exciting things in your life. That day IS coming! When it does there will be a joyful praising and celebration going up all over the world. Hang in there, Kristian…we’ve got ya covered :).

    Lisa in Alabama

  30. My heart breaks for you everytime I read your blog…I wish we could make it all ‘go away’ for you. But you have to fight the hard fight, and with the courage and strength you have I know you can do it.

  31. just made some chocolate cup cakes for my 3 boys.

    Everytime I catch up with your blog it inspires and reminds me to do nice things

    I hope something nice happens soon for you, its time for things to go a little well.

  32. I’m praying hard and LOUD for you – and the quote from Ginny (Isaiah) says it best – so here it is again…..

    He gives strength to the weary,
    And to him who lacks might He increases power.
    Though youths grow weary and tired,
    And vigorous young men stumble badly,
    Yet those who wait for the LORD
    Will gain new strength;
    They will mount up with wings like eagles,
    They will run and not get tired,
    They will walk and not become weary.
    Isaiah 40:39-31

    Keep on keeping on dear boy……

    The Grandma from North Carolina w/non hodgkins lymphoma

  33. I have been following your progress and you are an inspiration. My husband has the same diagnosis and he has been going through treatment for over a year and is now on erbitux cetuximab, CEA markers have dropped right down. Is there a reason why you haven’t had resectable surgery to remove the tumours on your liver?

    • I have bi-lateral metastasis…. surgery is not an option yet.

      • Thanks for your reply Kristian. Can you briefly explain what bi-lateral metastasis is. We visited the surgeon yesterday and he wants us to wait another couple of months continuing on the erbitux and hopefully surgery will happen in the new year. Tumours have shrunk considerably but are scattered in the liver so I think he wants them to shrink more before surgery, or may do staged resection ie two operations.

      • Sounds pretty much like my situation.

        As I understand it, bi-lateral metastases means that I have tumours at both ends of the liver, which would mean a staged resection, if one was possible. So it would mean multiple resections. I think chemo and SIRT is the best option to reduce the number of tumours, making a liver resection less risky and more effective….. I think. A liver resection is pretty heavy duty surgery. They would want to make sure they only had to do what was necessary.

        If you haven’t already had the topic come up, ask your oncologist about SIRT. It is highly effective. My first round killed off probably 80% of my tumours.

  34. This is all very interesting. We’ll see what our surgeon says when we go back in December. In a previous consultation, he said he would do staged resection ie taking out the tumours that are in section 8 and wait for the liver to recover and then take out the one in section 3. The erbitux has given the best results for CEA so far, it is down to 4. If the SIRT has killed off 80% of your tumours, isn’t surgery now possible? I have read that erbitux gives the best chance of reducing tumours enabling surgery to be a possibility. If all tumours are removed, it gives a 75% chance of long survival.

  35. Kristian I am feeling for you and your family, do not give up. My Dad was diagnosed with cancer 3yrs ago an was given 6mths to live. I am blessed to still have him with us an for him to have his cancer under control. Dad has survived by taking selenium ( cattle drench) true story !! As he could not have cemo or radio treatment, because he had it in his kidneys an had to have one removed the other one was not strong enough.
    3 yrs on My Dad has got to watch my children grow up and bond with them.
    Think positive an you will beat this :)….My Dad is 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: