At the foot of Heaven
“There are Angels around my bed tonight.
Some are there for comfort, some are there to fight.”
When I was younger I was fortunate enough to work on a lot of concerts. Rock shows, theatre, church gigs and stinky, smokey pubs. It’s where I learned my craft. One show in particular was with a band named DC Talk at the now derelict Perth Entertainment Centre. The quote above is from Kevin Smith, one of the singers from the band.
I just got the call from the hospital and the test implant or “workup procedure” is confirmed for tomorrow. From 7:30am to around about 5pm Sydney time I will be under live X-Ray, CT Scanners and Gamma Cameras as they track blood flow and a dummy “tracer” particle, to see where it all goes and if my body’s blood vessels are still wired the right way to withstand the SIRT.
As much as I need this treatment, it requires a strength that I personally do not possess on my own. I’m pretty fragile right now, emotionally speaking.
I know what’s coming tomorrow and as much as I have said I will do anything to continue this fight, the thought of what lies ahead is daunting. I know the discomfort that’s coming. I know that for three hours afterwards I am going to have to lay perfectly still in recovery so the puncture in my Hepatic artery can heal. I know that about an hour before I am discharged Rachel and the kids will begin their journey to the hospital in peak hour traffic to come and pick me up. I know that when I see them it’s going to be a struggle to maintain my composure and not burst into tears. Tears of relief, tears of weariness. I know that Cody will probably remember last time he was there with me and that I bought him and Jakob a “special chocolate cake” from the cafe.
I hope I have the presence of mind to remember to get him another one.
I’m afraid. I am.
What if my “wiring” has changed? What if the answer is “no, it’s not safe”? The people administering this procedure have done it over 450 times before. They know what they’re talking about.
God, I know I said “be it unto me according to your will”…. and I stand by that. I’m going to be walking those corridors again tomorrow and I’m scared. All I’m asking is that you meet me there, the same way you did nearly a year ago.
In you there is no darkness, because you are light.
Scatter the darkness, God.
I’m aching for it.