Tomorrow will be one week since the Spheres procedure. I knew I would need a certain amount of physical isolation for a few days and seeing as how it’s school holidays we decided Rachel and the boys should go to stay with her parents in New Zealand. That way they’re protected and I don’t have to move out of home.

They’re having a great time. It makes me very happy.

So I’m sitting/laying at home while the side effects take over. The pain I remember from the first time, the fever, the chills, the sweating that makes me have to change clothes multiple times in the middle of the night. But more than anything, the pain. I have good pain meds but still it pierces through. I feel the heat of the radiation on my skin. I feel bubbling, popping in my liver and at times the exhaustion is so bad I feel like someone has literally kicked my legs out from under me. I have had to steady myself against a wall a number of times while making the 20 foot walk from the lounge to my bed. It’s frightening.

But the physical pain is nothing this time. What’s really hurting is the not knowing again. The 3 month wait until we know how successful it has all been. And what worries me is that last time we suspended chemo while the radiation did it’s thing, which was a welcome break, the tumour in my bowel began to grow and of course we remember what happened at Christmas.

But the most painful thing of all is walking past the boy’s bedroom door and seeing their empty beds. Cody with his dinosaur blankets and Jakob with Thomas the Tank Engine. And I walk down the hall and there are photo’s of their beautiful little faces, smiling out at me. And there’s new photo’s Rach is sending me from NZ… and so right now I’m sitting here weeping so hard i can barely see. Sobbing so deep it feels like my stomach will explode. Because all of this is because I love them so much. All of the treatment and everything else that comes with it is so I can stay alive for them.


Save us!

Save our family. PLEASE! Save me.

Take this disease from my body and this pain from my heart, from all our hearts.

I don’t know what else to say…. God, please help, once and for all. My heart is breaking more and more, every day. I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

Rachel, Cody & Jakob…. I love you so much. I wish I could show you just how much.


~ by Kristian Anderson on October 4, 2011.

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